Merry Fucking Christmas

Santa, that magical person who breaks into peoples houses as they get excited about it. But, contrary to popular opinion,  not everybody gets freakishly happy about the visit of this mysterious person and this particular cozy little house had a dog, a dog that was not fond of the creepily jolly old man.  When  up on the rooftop the sound of reindeer hooves were heard, the dog decided to give Santa one fair warning. “woof woof, woof woof woof!!” Roughly translated meant “Fuck off you lazy jack ass, those are my cookies! MINE!! Go steal from some other house!” But alas, poor Santa didn’t speak dog, so he had no idea what the dog was saying and thus continued his perilous journey down the chimney. After getting stuck a couple times he finally made it to the fireplace, and into the house. While busy greedily shoving the cookies that the dog so dearly loved in his face, he dropped his guard long enough for the dog to sneak up behind him and rip the overly cheery bastard to bloody pieces. The next morning, bright and early, the kids came barreling down the stairs to see what  goodies had been given to them. What do ya know, the first thing they noticed were that walls were splotched with red, and the dog was covered in it as well, but then  they found an entire bag of gifts!!…and pieces of  Santa’s clothing…and pieces of  Santa. Poor brats never recovered from that traumatic event. Being loved by millions obviously wasn’t enough to save his poor soul. And that was the last time Santa got free food. So for all you nonbelievers out there, Santa is real…well he was, he’s dead now. But if you think that’s bad, you should hear what a cat did to the Easter Bunny. I’d sure hate to have my eyes clawed out like that…but that’s a whole other story.  The moral of this story? Don’t steal from dogs, they don’t like it. So merry Christmas to all and to all a fair warning: watch your backs….


Have a Merry Fucking Christmas everybody, I hope you enjoyed this holiday special.